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  • Writer's pictureAlexaundra Swann

Fall on Deaf Fears

When it comes to manifesting or cultivating what you want in life, one of the natural reactions is a feeling of unworthiness. This can be the result of a traumatized inner monologue that does not believe good things can happen to you. For me, broken promises from childhood led to resentment and lack of faith in just about anything. If my own parents couldn’t love me, what did I really deserve? I felt entitled to a childhood that I never received, and I read my childhood solely as a broken promise for so long.

As a child of divorce, I used to find myself extremely afraid of marriage and romantic commitment. I was born to my parents when they had been married for just about one year. I remember that as a happy time even though I was so young. By the time I was 4, my parents were divorced and my mother moved us 4 states away, and soon, my relationship with my father began to dwindle. During elementary school, I spent two summers with my dad and his new wife and son, but after 2000, I stopped hearing from him at all. In fact, I did not hear from him again until 2009, when he called on my brother’s birthday, made plenty of false promises, and told me happy belated birthday.

Now that I have put in the earnest effort to dissect my own trauma, I understand how heartbreak about my father abandoning me heightened my disdain for the divorce. My fear about marriage had nothing to do with the divorce. My fear about marriage had everything to do with what happened afterwards. I am healing from heartbreak. The heartbreak of not having loving parents impacted my outlook on relationships. I am releasing this fear. I have faith in my own capabilities as a lover and friend, and I know that I am worthy of the most loving romantic and sensual connections. I am worthy. (And yes, you can be afraid and worthy at the same time; we are human).

I am someone with a desire for a long-term partner and healthy family relationships, but the pain of my heartbreak makes it hard to have faith in enriching emotional experiences. I am challenging myself to have faith this fall. I want these deaf fears to disappear because I know that I am worthy of all the emotional stability and constancy that I desire.

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