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Grace & Grounding: The Gospel of Healing

Standing On the Promises

By Shereá Denise

Lord, I’m standing on the promise of God.

Lord, I’m standing, standing on your word.

Sometimes it gets hard and I have to cry.

I know you will be there.

You’ll be there, by and by.

Lord, I’m standing, standing on the promise of God, of God.

 

Song: Standing on the Promises by Shawn Jones & the Believers

 

I concluded my last post with a question, “I could say that I do not trust most things/people outside of myself, but the obvious response to that is that God is not a thing or a person. And - of course - there is the idea that God is not external, but within. So if I do not trust others (or maybe I trust them to be who they show themselves as), if my trust in self is rebuilding, and if my trust in God is shaky, what do I have?” I still do not have a complete answer to that question and - the more digging I do - the more questions I seem to find.

 

As I searched for a better understanding of the concept of trust, I was led to the story of Abraham (Genesis 11:27 - 24:67). My interest in this particular story had been piqued by Pastor Touré Roberts’ sermon about altars. It was furthered by an AI Bible stories account on TikTok. (Don’t ask! Lol.) While Abraham was the embodiment of faith and trust in God, he was not perfect. I was intrigued by a few things about Abraham’s story. His trust in God caught my attention first. Though I am not sure if I will ever have the level of trust in God that Abraham had, I can confidently say that my relationship with God has drastically changed and become more consistent during the course of my health changes.

 

Secondly, he seemed to have more of a direct way to receive communication from God than I do. He heard God’s voice whereas I - more often than not - am seeing symbols more than consistently hearing a voice. This communication seemed to also help Abraham have a better understanding of who God is and/or God’s heart posture. He could ask God questions without questioning God. He built altars - not just for God - but as a form of acknowledgement of his various experiences.

 

Lastly, Abraham was not perfect. That had been left out of so many of the versions of his story that I had heard over the years. The Black Church tends to encourage congregants to have the faith or trust of Abraham without talking about his communication, his questions, and his imperfections. His demonstrated trust and honest communication seemed to make space for his questions but did not prevent his imperfections and shortcomings. After all, Abraham was human. While we have plenty of Biblical examples (and real life examples, truthfully) of the unqualified being called to important positions and/or celebrated, what we do not seem to discuss enough is the forgiveness that is exhibited by God in response to the missteps or mistakes that they make. 

 

Abraham seemed to embrace his authentic humanness, recognizing and taking responsibility for moments when he took his own action to protect himself and his family and did so in contravention of what God had told him to do or in spaces where God had not provided instructions.

 

In my opinion, the Church does not do the best job of demonstrating forgiveness for humanness nor does it consistently embrace or encourage authenticity. We hear people say “come as you are” while watching them avoid, ignore, and isolate those whose “as you are” looks different from their own. As one can imagine, if the people teaching you about God cannot forgive or embrace you, it is hard to wrap your mind around the idea that God can and will. 

 

Learning about Abraham reminded me of a variety of messages that I had started receiving that seemed to focus on finding fulfillment through authenticity/living authentically. In September 2024 and October 2024, these messages became much more direct. They emphasized not seeing ourselves as extensions of our parents’ wishes, living for ourselves, and how playing it safe/not being authentic prevents you from occupying your true purpose and offering the world what you were meant to give. This had also been mentioned in Pastor Touré Roberts’ sermon about altars.

While thinking of what I wanted the title of this post to be, I remembered the song Standing on the Promises by Shawn Jones & the Believers. I started to wonder about the difference between what I thought were God’s promises from spending so much of my life in church and what was actually promised in the Bible or in my own interactions with my personal cheering squad. The promises that seemed most pertinent to me in this season of my life were:

 

  • And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." –Romans 8:28

  • “…By his wounds you are healed.” –1 Peter 2:24 

  • “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”  –James 1:2-3

  • "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."  –Job 23:10

  • "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you." –Matthew 7:7

 

I also saw a post by Alex Elle about investing in your well-being. Her post made me consider whether the wilderness that I was currently sitting in was part of my investment, if this was me working for my healing while waiting for it. While I did not like the idea that I had to work to be well, it actually makes a lot of sense… because so much of what I am learning in this season to get well will likely help me to sustain my health once it is restored. 

That thought led to an epiphany about the length of my healing journey. In a moment of frustration about the hit and miss healing that I was experiencing, I startled myself with a very unexpected question: If I was cured today, would I continue my practices and routines, would I continue to walk in some of the beliefs that I currently carry, or would I backslide and go back to being the person who got me into this space?

 

Though I lack certainty about many things, I am completely certain about one thing: I am a solution-oriented multitasker who tends to put myself and my well-being on the back burner. If I recovered tomorrow, I would go right back to pushing myself too hard. I know this because of how bothered I still get at times when I cannot do, go, or experience things because of my physical limitations. To me that means that I have more work to do, more to learn, and more to adjust so that I do not set myself up for a repeat of these lessons in what could be a far worse condition.

 

I was not ready to be 100% healed yet. I desperately wanted to be, but - as Sarah Jakes Roberts said - purpose, vision, strategy, and creativity cannot come from a place of desperation. They can only come from a place of peace. I am not fully at peace yet. That means that I have not unearthed nor released all that needs to be let go of. I had not learned nor shared all of the lessons relating to this experience. And though I wished the pain was not necessary for the lessons, I also know myself well enough to recognize that it was the pain and the embarrassment that caught and kept my attention. That is what drove me to dig deep even when it was uncomfortable, even when it evoked tears, even when it forced me to do something I have always disliked - asking for help. If the pain, the discomfort, and the fear went away, my drive to better understand myself, to be true to myself, and to better engage with my Creator would drop to the bottom of my list of priorities.

In addition to my epiphany about the length of time it was taking to achieve and the desire for my healing, I had a random thought at 3:00AM one chilly October night: I just want to know and understand what is wrong with me so that I can heal and not continue harming myself.

In the days following that thought I realized how my mindset was still prone to see myself, my body as broken or as a problem.

“Though these times are difficult, they are only a short phase of life.” 

–Mantra App

I tried not to punish myself for this thought or the feelings associated with it, as I recognized that the sadness that led to the thought and that followed it were indicative of my authentic feelings at the time. I know that my body is not broken nor a problem, that it is simply the vessel being used to shift some things about me that could not continue as they were… but there are times when I wish there was a less painful and severe way to go through this shift.

As I learned more about authenticity, I found that the concept of fulfillment was closely tied to being authentic, that one tends to create space for the other. I also came across the idea of  individuation. “Individuation is the process by which an individual becomes distinct. Individuation distinguishes you from everybody else.” This reminded me of Bishop T.D. Jakes’ discussion of prowess in his sermon The Theology of Quietness. When reading about individuation, I also found an interesting perspective about society’s expectations versus individuation and authenticity. “Civilized cultures pressure us to suppress our individuality to fit in, but group and individual identities depend on each other. To truly belong in your family or community, you must first become your authentic self, even if it means risking relationships with those closest to you. Fulfillment comes from balancing both identities.”

 

I was beginning to accept that a big part of my health challenges was about removing who I have been told (directly or indirectly) to be versus who I am. My research on the concept of individuation highlighted (for me) that there is something that only I can bring to this world and I have spent years (decades really) starving myself and the world of whatever my particular gifts are. Not being well teaches you a lot about yourself and shows you a lot about others too. 

 

In prior posts I wrote about how not feeling well forces you to prioritize people, places, and obligations. I spoke about how my energy levels sometimes prevent me from attending certain events. That has made me confront my fear of missing out (FOMO) and to learn more about the joy of missing out (JOMO). “JOMO allows us to be who we are in the present moment, which is the secret to finding happiness. When [we] free up that competitive and anxious space in [our brains], [we] have so much more time, energy and emotion to conquer [our] true priorities.”

 

There have been moments when my physical pain or need to recover from flare ups have truly been a form of protection, because it kept me from going into spaces and/or engaging in situations that would not have been best for me. Not feeling well has also made me more aware of my assumptions about other people’s health, physical abilities, and need (or lack thereof) for accommodations.

While I was still working through the random feelings of brokenness and/or resentment about my body, I also had to wonder if the health changes were helping me to become more of my authentic self, which would ultimately lead to fulfillment.

 

The word “fulfilled” is included in my personal mission statement alongside words like purposeful, joyful, and impactful. It is a word that comes to mind for me when I think about what it means to be whole, to be well. Though I had not been having any severe SIBO symptoms for several days, I revisited some of my prior research about causes for SIBO outside of food triggers to see if something may be connected to fulfillment and authenticity.

One cause that was reiterated across various websites and posts was Nervous System Dysregulation. ““Nervous system dysregulation” signifies a state of imbalance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. This can manifest physiologically – as it does in under 7% of the population – often as pain, fatigue, seizures, bladder and stomach issues, and partial paralysis. Medical professionals call these ailments “functional” or “somatoform” illnesses, meaning they are not linked to any perceivable disease and are instead attributed to the highly complex mechanisms of the nervous system.” TikTok has a plethora of suggestions on regulating your nervous system. The ones I have found most helpful thus far include: 

  • https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQLpAGX/ - This video references grounding, which aligns with much of what I have continued to learn about the Root Chakra.

  • https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQNNPrm/ - This video mentions humming/singing, which reminds me of some of the recommendations for childlike joy that came from my Vibroacoustic Mat therapy session.

  • https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQfDW84/ - This video mentions sound waves and binaural beats.

  • https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQumcqd/ - This video explores de-shaming and compassionate self-correction. There is also an emphasis on seeing our responses as “normal” and believing our bodies. I found this especially powerful in light of how easily my mindset shifted back to my body being a problem. This sparked a few questions for me: How can my body believe my healing is forthcoming  if I am not always listening to/believing my body? Am I focused more on the threats/reactions of my body than my body itself? Am I unintentionally asking my body to be inauthentic by pretending to be well when it is not?

  • https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQuoTGV/ - This video provides a series of questions intended to help us acknowledge and process any shame-based patterns or shame-based coping skills that we may unintentionally rely upon.

  • https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQX5h9s/ - This video offers additional suggestions of fun ways to regulate your nervous system.

 

I found some information that highlighted how herbs like ashwagandha can help with nervous system dysregulation because they reduce stress and anxiety while helping the body return to a more balanced state. I considered taking ashwagandha again, but was hesitant because of how I felt that it negatively impacted my productivity at work. (Yes, I know.)

 

On October 18, 2024 I noticed that my stomach felt really good. A comfortably empty feeling with no cramping, bloating, or pain. My knees, feet, and hip still seemed inflamed, but for one of the first times since a few days after my Vibroacoustic Mat session, my stomach felt okay. That feeling made me hopeful that I was finding better foods, listening more closely to my body, and on the road to better health. I chose to note that day in this post as a bit of an altar for myself.

I cannot say - for certain - that my body is cured of SIBO or that I have somehow reversed it, but I can say that the following course of action appears to have worked for me thus far:

 

  • Two rounds of antibiotics: 1 round of Metronidazole and 1 modified round of Xifaxan (Rifaximin).

  • Two rounds of antimicrobials: Oil of Oregano

  • Removing triggering foods from my diet (primarily gluten) and limiting my intake of other foods that sometimes prove to be problematic (citric acid, sugar, onions, citrus, beef, pork).

  • Taking a daily dose of aloe vera juice.

I have also become cautious about eating overly processed foods and/or foods with additives or preservatives because they seem to cause issues for me. This has been difficult because processed foods have been a large part of my diet, primarily for convenience purposes. 

Side note: The irony is that processed foods lack authenticity. Additionally, too much processing is what causes the food to become detrimental to my body. My therapist previously told me that my defense mechanism is intellectualization, which has a strong emphasis on processing. Processing too much for me mentally also has proven to be detrimental to my body.

I continue to have flare-ups of interstitial cystitis-like symptoms, as well as inflammation/numbness and tingling in my hip, legs, and feet, but the worsening of my symptoms seems directly connected to certain triggering foods or to having too much of some foods. At times it also seems connected to how I may allow other people or my interactions with them to stress me out. I still cannot always pinpoint what increases the inflammation in my body, but I can say that “all things in moderation!” has become a sort of mantra in my household because of this. This reminder does not always pertain to food. It can also apply to taking on too many projects or doing too much in a day or a week because of the expectations of others. A colleague told me that she has a sign in her office that says “Manage Your Expectations.” That has become a secondary mantra of sorts.

In mid-October I watched the Human Healing Unlocked Ted Talk, which I found incredibly insightful. Some of the more pertinent points (for me) were:

  • Life responds to nurture and the simplest of action can produce a transformative change.

  • Denying a plant’s needs denies it the opportunity to genuinely flourish.

  • Our suffering may be a gift in many ways.

  • For some seeds you need cold or darkness for the emergence of new life, for the emergence of healing. 

  • Dr. Reilly also made reference to shifts that occur in the healing process, which reminded me of the shift I was presently going through in my own spiritual walk as a result of my health challenges.

Several interesting questions came from the Ted Talk:

  • If you were a plant, what shape would you be in? 

  • What does the plant of your own life need? 

  • How are you doing with supplying your life’s needs? 

  • How are you nurturing your life? 

  • What are your prerequisites for healing? What do you need to promote healing? 

  • How are you talking to yourself? Would you speak to a pet the way you speak to yourself? 

  • How can you trigger healing responses?

Another significant point that Dr. Reilly made was about the hope of a new story. As he talked about the hope in his patient’s story, I thought about my own hopefulness. I realized that - with each blog post that I write for this series - I am hoping that it will be my last, that I will be able to announce that I am cured and feeling 100% better. Part of me is saddened by the fact that this is the thirteenth post.

 

Part of me realizes that I have written several of these posts from a detached or objective perspective, not feeling what I am writing and focusing more on providing resources to others than taking care of myself. The last nine years of my life have been similarly situated. As someone engaged in my community and as a Social Worker, much of my life has revolved around providing resources, connecting people to resources, and/or informing others about available resources. My Facebook profile underscores this assertion. This is where I am comfortable, where things are solution-focused and not dictated by emotions.

 

The last few posts have forced me to step outside of my comfort zone, leading me to ponder whether my acceptance of my role as a resource has contributed to the inauthenticity that appears to be impacting me on so many levels. 

 

“Sometimes the motivation to help others may be an extension of a deep desire to heal a wounded part of ourselves.

Some people seem called to help others, often from early on in their childhoods. They respond to the needs of family members, strangers, or animals with an impressive selflessness. While these caregivers can appear to have very few needs of their own as they focus on rescuing, helping, and healing others, there are few people who are truly able to sustain this completely giving lifestyle. The vast majority have needs that lie beneath the surface, unmet. In these cases, their motivation to help others may be in service to a deep desire to heal a wounded part of themselves. They need the kind of love and attention they give on a daily basis to those around them. For any number of reasons, they are unable to give themselves that love, so they give it to others. This does not mean that they are not meant to be helping others, but it does mean that they would do well to turn some of that helping energy within.

One problem with the constant caregiver is that the individual can get stuck in the role, always living in crisis mode at the expense of inner peace and personal growth. Until the person resolves their own inner dramas, they play them out in their relationships with others, drawn to those who need them and often unable to acknowledge their own needs. In the worst-case scenario, they enable the other person's dilemma by not knowing when to stop playing the rescuer and allow the person to figure it out on their own.

However, if the rescuer finds the strength to turn within and face their own needs, they can become a model of empowerment and a true source of healing in the world.

Some signs that you or someone you love may need to rescue the rescuer within are inner burnout from overgiving, underlying resentment, an inability to admit to having needs of one's own, and an unwillingness to be vulnerable. Help comes when we allow ourselves to admit we need it, acknowledging our humanity and our wholeness by acknowledging our pain. The understanding we gain in the process will naturally inform and inspire our ability to help those in need to do the same.”

–DailyOM, Rescuing the Rescuer

We are rapidly approaching the month of December and the four year anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery. I am left considering many things that I try to overlook. January 2025 will mark four years since the onset of my initial symptoms - numbness and tingling. While the amount of time that I have spent being unwell with no clear guidance, diagnoses, or (medical) instructions for healing continues to seem lengthy, there have been many positive outcomes in all of this.

 

  • I have managed to maintain my 200+ pound weight loss (albeit sometimes against my will) for the last several years.

  • I have had experiences - amazing and not so amazing - that I likely could not have had at my previous weight, but which have further shaped me as a person.

  • I have learned things - about my mindset, about my body, about my capabilities, about my habits, about my hopes - that I would not have learned without these health challenges.

“Like many people, you have no doubt longed for the ability to fast forward through certain periods of your life. Yet haste is, by its very nature, vastly more stressful than serene fortitude. When you feel yourself growing impatient because the pace of your development is deceptively slow, remember everything that will happen in your life will occur in its own time. Quelling your urge to rush will enable you to witness yourself learning, changing, and becoming stronger. There is so much to see and do in between the events that we deem definitive. If you are patient enough to take pleasure in your life’s unfolding, the journey from one pinnacle to the next will seem to take no time at all.”

–DailyOM, Letting Life Unfold

Something that I mentioned earlier is how many common themes I have found between nervous system regulation, Root Chakra healing, and gut healing. Many of them focus on attunement to the needs of the body and the two-way street that is trusting your body and trusting yourself. For the first time I thought of the pain/the inflammation in my body as a pendulum. In energy healing, a pendulum is used to detect imbalances in a person’s energy field by observing its movement over the body, helping identify areas needing healing, particularly for chakra balancing. 

Some believe that physical inflammation may stem from spiritual and emotional factors, such as clinging to distorted self-perceptions and disconnecting from one’s true self. Ignoring inner truth is thought to manifest as physical pain or illness. Conditions like arthritis are seen by some as spiritual teachers, offering lessons in resilience and strength. Bladder inflammation is linked spiritually to emotional issues like stress, anxiety, and depression, while knee inflammation is associated with the knee chakra (a minor chakra), which connects to grounding through the root chakra. Foot inflammation often indicates physical trauma, but emotional trauma can also manifest as bodily inflammation, as research suggests.

For the last several months, I thought of the pain in my body as being the result of unprocessed grief. I was not expecting so much of it to be connected to authenticity. The spiritual meaning was surprising, but the “diagnosis” was not. I have known for most of my life that I was not being my true self, but I primarily associated that with being a relatively closeted lesbian in the Bible Belt South whose family emphasized the appearance of perfection regardless of what we were actually experiencing. We were the epitome of not looking like what we were going through.

 

My pain and discomfort force me to continually ask myself if I am giving my body what it needs and if I am doing so as soon as it alerts me to the need. (Reference: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTFQHLLyU/

 

Much of what I am learning about healing spiritually emphasizes being your own guide and/or recognizing how much of what you need is already available within you, as well as the importance of being authentic in order to trust yourself. This should not have been shocking to me when I consider that we do not typically trust others who are not authentic, so how can we expect to trust ourselves if we are not being true to who we are?

 

“We spend a lot of our lives looking for role models, mentors, teachers, and gurus to guide us on our path. There is nothing wrong with this, and in fact, finding the right person at the right time can really help. However, it is important to realize that in the absence of such a figure, we can very safely rely upon ourselves. We carry within us everything we need to know to make progress on our paths to self-realization. The outer world serves as a mirror. Or to use another metaphor, our inner world has a magnetic force that draws to us what we need to evolve to the next level.”

 –DailyOM, Being Our Own Teacher

 

This brings us back to some of my first blog posts in this series where I talked about my body yelling at me. Perhaps my body was just as frustrated with me as I had become with it at times. Though the message during my Vibroacoustic Mat session was that my body was not mad at me, I felt like it had to be - at least - somewhat frustrated, as we so often appeared to be speaking different languages.

 

The messages that I was receiving also led me to begin considering how I defined health or being healthy. I wondered if I was making myself less well by focusing so much on my health challenges and my discomfort with what could potentially happen. For me, being healthy is synonymous with feeling good. It is days without pain, bodily reactions, and easy deep breaths. There is also a level of feeling nourished, fueled, and satisfied that goes along with being healthy. On the authenticity front, I know that I feel my best when I am able to be my full self and I am in spaces or with people where I feel safe to be my full self.

 

Watching this video helped me to realize that I am healthier than I thought I was based on these parameters. It reminded me that - too often - I was most focused on the parts of my body that were inflamed or operating differently, so much so that I often overlooked all of the ways that my body was working well or “normally.”

 

Later in October the Word Daily Word of the Day was eudaemonism. This reminded me of a quote from Dr. Pooja Lakshmin that I have shared before, but that I read differently this time: “...Whereas eudaemonic well-being is a life that is built on meaning and purpose. And when you understand that, your activities and your relationships and how you spend your time and energy is aligned with what is most important to you, i.e. your values. And the important piece there is that if you look up values in the dictionary, one of the definitions is that it's a preference of what you decide to be most important in your life. It's a preference. Everybody's values are different. And so real self-care is about making those choices aligned with what you actually care about. And the key there is then that's usually hard. And it does not take away suffering in the way that hedonic well-being can.”

 

This time when I read the quote, it emphasized for me how my health changes have forced me not only to prioritize, but to identify my values, about how my body reacts when I step outside of what feels good to and for me. I was not always prioritizing based on my values though. Much of what I prioritized - particularly at work and with some community organizations - was based on other people.

 

At some point it also occurred to me that - because I am unable to take anti-inflammatories due to having had gastric bypass surgery - I am forced to feel my pain and discomfort. I do not consider this a coincidence. As I have mentioned before, I have a rather high threshold for pain and - in many aspects of my life - I do not have an abundance of feelings. Numbing this pain would do me a disservice. Making myself comfortable enough that I am not bothered by and/or seeking a solution for the pain would prevent me from exploring things like my faith, my physical health, and the areas of my life that require healing.

 

Towards the end of October I co-hosted a retreat for women of color in my community. The two-day event left me with so much to consider, especially about my mental health and how it seems to directly impact my physical health. As attendees discussed dis-ease, clutter, and the manifestation of emotions as symptoms, two things became clear to me: (1) women of color are recognizing how we have done too much for too many for too long and are looking on guidance about ending that cycle and (2) becoming intentional about my care for myself was - indeed - a step in the direction of healing and feeling better. Previously I mentioned that I do not know if my intestinal issues have been fully resolved. What I do know is - in addition to the medication, herbs, and diet modifications - the various grounding exercises and practices I was implementing did seem to be contributing to me feeling better more and more each day.

 

During the retreat I was reminded of how stress or overwhelm seems to impact my health, specifically my gut and my bladder. I reflected on the ways that I have downplayed stress over the years, only to see it show up in physical symptoms that I sometimes tried to downplay as well. The sometimes surprising aspect of this current season of my life was that I was having many symptoms that could not be downplayed and refused to be overlooked, no matter how hard I tried to do both. 

 

Side Note: Did you know that September is Interstitial Cystitis Awareness Month? As I continue to learn more about Interstitial Cystitis and see how few women of color come forward about their experiences with bladder issues, I felt it necessary to highlight this particular awareness month this year. Though I do not have a traditional medical diagnosis, I recognize how having interstitial cystitis-like symptoms has impacted my quality of life, mental health, and physical health. The end of the month brought a dope surprise. Tabitha Brown began discussing bladder leaks and Always Discreet products on her social media pages. There was so much transparency and vulnerability in the post and in the comments, especially from women of color. I encourage you to learn more about Interstitial Cystitis and what you can do to support yourself and others who are battling bladder-related health challenges.

 

“It’s important to realize that the very part of us that resists our healing is the part that most needs our attention and love. Even as it appears to be working against us, it can become our greatest ally if we can simply bring it into the light of our consciousness. It carries the information we need to move to the next level in our healing process.” 

–DailyOM

 

“Don’t put your body in chaos.” 

–Dr. Christine Nwoha

Sometimes at night, when I’m all alone, I can talk to Jesus on the telephone.

When I’m sad, He makes me smile.

I be talking, just me, my God, and I.

Nobody but me, my God, and I.

Nobody but me, my God, and I.

Nobody but me, my God, and I.

Song: Me, My God, and I by Shawn Jones & the Believers

Read Part Twelve: Finding Joy

Read Part Fourteen: Healing Out Loud

Find additional posts and resources here.

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