I’m grateful

for the simple things, 

all the little gains.

I’m grateful

for the joy and pain,

growing through the change.

I’m grateful.

Sunlight after rain, 

nothing stays the same.

I’m grateful

for the chance to live again.

​

Song – Grateful by MuMu Fresh

 

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Freedom was at the forefront of my mind in January 2025. There were things that I always wanted to explore that I had not acted on because of fear. Fear of negative outcomes, fear that the outcomes would not meet my expectations, and fear about the things that other people may have to say about my decisions.

 

I figured - since I would be turning 40 this year - I might as well continue my efforts to center my personal metrics for myself and my life. The aforementioned fear essentially kept me in a space that was far from free and never but so authentic.

 

There were several plans on my list, but the major ones involved additional efforts to obtain a medical diagnosis about the numbness and tingling in my lower extremities, starting Sisterlocks or Microlocks, adding to my piercing collection, adding to/modifying some existing tattoos, celebrating my birthday in a way that I enjoy, and making over our bedroom. As I began acting on these plans, I realized just how much they involved other moving pieces. Many of these moving pieces were foundational in nature.

 

In early January I had a consultation with a wonderful Loctician, who provided me with insight about my hopes to lock my hair. During our session she advised me to see a Dermatologist about some hair loss that I had experienced several years prior. Her exact words escape me at this moment, but they boiled down to not wanting to start something new that would add tension to my hair without there being a strong foundation. She emphasized how building on weak foundations just makes matters worse.

 

Her advice led me to meet with a Dermatologist who I had worked with in the past. The Dermatologist determined that there was inflammation in my scalp and on my forehead, as well as concerns of alopecia. The good news was that she had a treatment plan for the diagnoses, which required two oral medications, a topical solution, and an ointment. The plan would have been relatively simple to follow if I did not have to navigate insurance approval, out-of-stock medications, and the fact that one of the medications was a type of diuretic that led some of my bladder issues to resurface. Though I tried to exercise patience and diligence, by early March I was weighing what was more important, my physical recovery or my hope for a different hairstyle. I chose to prioritize my physical recovery, recognizing that to do otherwise would be compromising my commitment to do better for and listen to my body.

 

There is also something to be said about why I was convinced that Microlocks would prove to be an expression of freedom for me. Perhaps this was based on my own assumptions, but - as I thought about it further - I could not say that I wholeheartedly believed that anything would change simply because I attempted to loc my hair again. I decided to shift a few of my goals for the year to do what made sense for me.

 

In the midst of everything else that was going on in January and February, I also had appointments with my Primary Care Provider, my Gastroenterologist, and my OB/GYN. These appointments necessitated that bloodwork be done and that conversations be had about what the remaining issues with my extremities may be caused by. My Primary Care Provider identified one speciality that I had not met with in the last 3.5 years - vascular and vein. She referred me for an ankle brachial index, which she described as an ultrasound to determine if there were issues with the circulation in my legs.

 

Following the appointments, I spent some time getting familiar with potential diagnoses while trying not to go down a rabbit hole of worst case scenarios. The diagnoses that seemed to most closely match my symptoms and that had not been ruled out by my blood work were:

 

• Spinal/Nerve Compression

• Peripheral Artery Disease

• Chronic Venous Insufficiency

 

Based on the surface-level review that I had done of the diagnoses and my ongoing symptoms, it seemed that a spinal/nerve compression diagnosis was likely on the horizon. I also learned that people who have had gastric bypass are typically more prone to having spinal/nerve compression issues and that the appropriate specialist to determine and address this diagnosis was an Orthopedist. That meant there were actually two specialists that I should make appointments with. While I initially found this frustrating since I had believed only one additional specialist was necessary, my frustration dissipated when I realized that two was fewer than the approximately 10+ specialists that I had seen already.

 

Luckily (I guess), my issue with “frozen shoulder” in 2024 had connected me with a decent Orthopedics practice. For that reason, I decided to try getting an appointment with them regarding my back in the weeks prior to the ankle brachial index that had been ordered by my doctor. My thought was that this could expedite next steps and allow me to have a clearer picture of what I was facing by early April instead of waiting to take action after the ankle brachial index was completed. After speaking to the Orthopedics scheduling department, I was able to secure an appointment for late February.

 

My personal to-do list for the appointments involved downloading my medical records and doing my best to avoid researching treatment options and horror stories. There was enough chaos swirling due to changes within the federal government, which could directly impact my current employment. I did not need to stress myself out about diagnoses that I did not have.

 

Truthfully, I was looking forward to the appointments. It seemed like we had narrowed down what the issues could be and I was more comfortable with a list of three or four diagnoses than the list of dozens of possibilities that I started off being told about in 2021 and 2022. I had some vague information about what treatment options existed for possible diagnoses and I was praying that my ailments - though they had consistently existed for more than 3 years - would still respond to mild treatment options and would not necessitate another surgery.

 

I had several major projects and programs to work on in the weeks ahead. I was glad to have the distractions. It helped me keep my priorities in check and not go too far with Doctor Google.

 

There were several things that I was looking forward to, such as designing a tattoo, which - after a consultation with a tattoo artist - had changed from being an addition to being a cover up. I accepted that some existing tattoos no longer resonated with me and were not the reminders that I had hoped for them to be. The process to find the right cover-up that spoke to my growth, had symbolism that I could embrace, and that would easily cover the existing tattoos, was - for all intents and purposes - a better way to spend my time than agonizing about potential diagnoses, treatment options, and my likelihood of recovery. This also prevented me from giving too much energy to things that I could not control and stressing myself out about something that had yet to happen.

 

While I was not thrilled about covering a tattoo for the second time, I looked at this particular change in plans as an example of my personal growth and my willingness to acknowledge that I no longer aligned with my prior body art and would prefer to have something that I enjoyed seeing and did not have second and third thoughts about.

 

Though I had finished reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, the lessons that I learned from it continued to linger in my thoughts. Mark Manson discusses freedom as being less of the destination that I may have seen it as and more so as something that we are continuously working to reach. He found an interesting way to sort through freedom, rejection, and acceptance. Perhaps unintentionally, he helped me to develop a different understanding of each concept. I was doing better at holding steady, remaining calm, and recognizing what I would and would not allow to control me.

 

I also attributed some of my calmness - despite the many changes swirling around me - to my faith, to my trust in something higher than myself. I had settled into a quiet knowing of sorts, deciding that everything being chaotic around me did not mean that I had to operate in chaos. This reminded me of Kerry Washington’s character in Unprisoned, specifically when she talked about not joining other people on the emotional roller coaster. I was finding comfort in standing on the platform while everyone else riled themselves up. Several people commented on my calmness and my level-headedness in a variety of situations. In addition to the trust I have in my Higher Power, I also trust ridiculous people to do ridiculous things.

 

My trust in my Higher Power and myself looked differently than I knew that it could. I found myself believing that things would be fine whether signs pointed to the contrary. I also found myself more nonchalant about some things, even with my health. It was not that I did not care, but there had been a shift in what I was willing to be worried about, with what I was trying to control. I found solace in random moments where I was at ease because it was unnecessary to be anything else but easeful. At first I thought I had stopped caring or was no longer invested, then I realized that some of my trust likely came from exhaustion. I no longer had the capacity nor the energy to work myself up. I saw very clearly how people were using chaos to control others and I made a decision (somewhat unknowingly and haphazardly) to no longer be controlled by chaos, including chaos that I introduced or created.

 

Surprisingly - during this time - I also began experiencing improvement with many of my food intolerances. While gluten still caused some mild digestion issues for me, it was nowhere near the extreme response that I had been struggling with since 2023. Our household was still adhering to our “all things in moderation” mantra and it appeared to be working. My bladder still had its moments, but I no longer panicked about it. I had to trust myself to respond to what I was presented with and to adjust accordingly.

 

It was not lost on me that some of my efforts at moderation were also about acknowledging my own role in harming myself - both unintentionally and sometimes carelessly. This tied into an unexpected gem from my therapist about accountability, but also made me consider how I have confused holding myself accountable with punishing myself for most of my adulthood. I have already acknowledged that sometimes my expectations of myself and of my body are harmful. I was actively working to change that, acknowledging that when I was tired, I should sit down and not be frustrated with myself because my strength and endurance had changed. I was also being proactive (without obsessing) about potential bodily reactions. 

 

As I continued to observe my improvements rather than focusing on my shortcomings, I happened to see a license plate that said: WELLAGED. When I saw it, I thought to myself: Am I aging well? 

 

For once in my life, this question was not about appearance. It was about personal growth and development. I decided that - at some point my body would be healed - and I did not want to have spent the last four years not becoming a better version of myself to and for myself. On the other side of this healing, I wanted to have a better appreciation for myself, for my body, and for resting. While my melanin ensures that I will likely age well physically, the mindset that came from my health challenges and experiences over the last several years had the potential to make sure that I aged with wellness in mind. I am not sure if total recovery had settled in my spirit, but I knew that my body seemed to be healing and I had to support my healing and my aging by continuing to be better for myself. For the first time in my life, I could say that “better” was not about control. It seemed to be… about acceptance.

 

I was identifying what I could and could not control, as well as what I did and did not care about. Sometimes I also had to determine what I could not care about because I did not have the time or capacity and I had to support my own decision not to care instead of beating myself up about it. I began further separating myself from obligations and tasks that were not truly necessary and from carrying things that were not truly mine. Perhaps that is freedom. The more I sorted through my to-do lists, the more I realized just how many of these obligations and tasks were created by me and could be deleted by me.

 

I sometimes repeated a one liner from Beyoncé’s remake of Jolene:

​

Your peace depends on how you move.

​

Beyoncé was undoubtedly sending a message about consequences to the fictional woman who sought to insert herself in someone else’s relationship, but -  taken at face value - this line can be a cautionary statement to each of us. Your own peace very much so depends on how you move - in life, with others, with yourself.

​

I also reminded myself that I should be treating my needs as holy rather than as burdens. This stemmed from a quote shared by Rev. Dr. Gina Stewart and attributed to Aubrey Hendricks:

​

“Jesus treated people’s needs as holy, treating people with dignity and recognizing the dignity of every human being…”

​

My needs did not make me deficient nor were they something to ignore or negotiate. My needs were what they were, needs. In the same way that I had gone out of my way to assist others in meeting their needs, I had to reserve more of that energy for myself. I noticed some sporadic feelings of discomfort that seemed to signal when I needed to create boundaries for myself or address something that I would have otherwise avoided.

 

Circling back to Beyoncé. As I saw the various clips of her historic Grammy wins for Cowboy Carter, I found so many moments of confirmation about the work I was doing to step around the need for external validation. I thought about how I had described many of the things happening with my body as embarrassing, now having a better sense that this was about how other people would view the shortcomings of my health and if they would attribute those shortcomings to me as a person. Part of how hard I had pushed myself was about wanting others to accept me, to approve of me, and for it not to be as noticeable that I was not consistently well. Overworking myself was rooted in external validation and required me to dishonor myself and be inauthentic. Acknowledging when I need a break or when I am not at my best does not make me less than or unqualified. Not acknowledging it is likely more harmful and is definitely not sustainable. Whose metrics was I using to determine how well I was doing and why did their metrics outweigh how well I was not feeling?

 

I recognized how my feelings and thoughts about my body had changed as I was talking to my Gastroenterologist. My bodily reactions were no longer the end of the world for me. When things happened, I pulled from my problem solving skills and addressed what had occurred. I did my best to do this without holding lingering feelings about what happened. I was able to explain my symptoms and experiences from a more diplomatic and rational perspective. It was no longer necessary to freak out. I did not consider this the form of acceptance that implied that I did not want improvement, I was just beginning to understand that worrying myself was making me sicker and was taking a toll on my mind that I could no longer afford.

​

“Sometimes it feels like nothing is working. Like you're moving but going nowhere, stuck in a loop of doubt and uncertainty. You question if you're even on the right path—if there is a path at all. This is part of being human. The mess, the confusion, the moments where you don't know what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with you if you're feeling this way. You're being human. One day, you'll look back at this version of yourself – the one who kept going even when they weren't sure why. And when that day comes, you'll see yourself with so much tenderness. You'll understand that this version of you, the one you might not even like right now, was the one who laid the foundation for everything beautiful that followed. So don't give up on yourself just because you can't see the full picture yet. You are finding your way, even here. And one day, you'll thank yourself for not giving up.”

–Moses Kuria

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At least two of my providers remarked on how my mindset had shifted, how I presented differently. One also noted that I had begun to gain weight and looked much healthier than I had when she initially met me. For the most part, I did feel better stomach-wise. I could just about predict when a flare up would occur and continued to respond to the best of my ability. I tried not to anticipate issues while still being prepared should they arise. I had become an even bigger fan of flowy or loose-fitting clothing, drinking water, and minding my business (aka resting) which seemed to help quite a bit.

 

My body had not returned to how well it felt in October 2024, but I tried to avoid constantly making that comparison and focusing on identifying what issues existed and what I could do to address or improve them.

 

In late February I returned to the Orthopedist, had x-rays, and completed several surveys about my symptoms and my pain levels. I found it interesting how so many of my symptoms that were being treated separately were identified as issues relating to the spine. Following our conversation and a review of the x-rays, I received a referral for an MRI to determine next steps. Another thing that stuck out to me was that the doctor said that - everywhere he would have sent me before doing an MRI - I have already been, so it makes it easier for him to determine next steps and to go straight to having an MRI. I guess there is some benefit to the last 4 years of referrals, studies, and doctor visits.

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“What if your symptoms are the healing?

It's so easy to experience dis-ease, discomfort &

dysregulation and be oriented to believe 'Something is wrong, my body is failing me' when in truth, your body is helping to show you the places & parts that need love, attention & integration.

Our physical bodies act as a mirror to what is held in the body physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.”

–@medicine_mami

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As I have continued to mull over all that the last several years have entailed, I have been considering how my efforts to achieve one goal often lead me down an unexpected path that eventually allows me to reach that goal or something better. I sought out weight loss and learned about a lot of other issues impacting my body that likely were overlooked due to my weight. I sought out various ways to obtain a sense of freedom for myself and learned that so much of what I desired required revisiting my own foundation and drastically changing the ways that I had defined or decided that things would happen for me. While the setbacks have been overwhelming at times, all that I have learned and experienced would likely not have happened otherwise.

 

This has certainly been a difficult journey, but - in this moment - I am truly grateful for all that I have learned and become on the path to healing. Learning how to stop fighting, how to stop doing, how to stop fixing has been a process, but it is a necessary one. If nothing else, I have a clearer picture of what I need to change about myself to ensure that I truly thrive when/if my health improves. 

 

Regardless of what outcomes exist on the other side of these upcoming appointments, I am convinced that so much of this was about moving from surviving to thriving. I told my OB/GYN that my health issues appeared to be a ball of twine that I was working to unravel. Truthfully, there was more than health wrapped up in the twine. There were some harmful thoughts, beliefs, and practices in there as well.

I am grateful for the things that you have done.

Yes, I'm grateful for the victories we've won.

I could go on and on and on about your works

because I'm grateful, grateful, so grateful just to praise you, Lord.

Flowing from my heart are the issues of my heart, it's gratefulness.

Grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful.

Grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful.

Grateful, grateful, grateful.

Gratefulness is flowing from my heart.

 

Song – Grateful by Hezekiah Walker & The Love Fellowship Choir

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Read Part Sixteen: Let Go

Read Part Eighteen: Coming Soon

Find additional posts and resources here.