I couldn't seem to fall asleep,

there was so much on my mind.

I was searching for that peace,

but the peace I could not find.

So then I kneeled down to pray.

I was praying, "Help me, please."

Then He said, "You don't have to cry,

'cause I'll supply all your needs."

​

Song: Let Go by PJ Morton

​​

​

“Jesus entered each day with a focus on the future while remaining sensitive to the lessons hidden in each day.”

–Sarah Jakes Roberts, Power Moves

 

I ended my last post discussing how difficult it is to stop fighting, about how I had worn myself out for the last four years and could not continue doing so. I noted that that would require that I stop researching as much, planning as much, and battling my body about every little thing. I was - once again - left with the idea of standing and being still while letting my spiritual cheering squad fight aspects of this battle on my behalf.

 

I continued to see messages pertaining to nurturing myself more in 2025, with one of the most blatant ones being: 

 

“Whether it’s through nurturing our bodies, fostering deeper connections, or immersing ourselves in pursuits that light up our souls — let us recommit to living well, every day.” 

–Emily Han, DailyOM

 

These messages were very timely because - while I thought the month of November was rough - the month of December proved that things would get much worse before they got better. On New Year’s Eve I had one of the most terrifying experiences of this entire health journey. After discontinuing my use of Moringa due to stomach issues and beginning to take a histamine blocker in hopes of determining if the pain in my body was connected to an ongoing allergic reaction, I unknowingly ingested gluten from what was supposed to be a gluten free menu. While I did not go into anaphylaxis, I did go into a full blown allergic reaction where my blood sugar dropped, my heart was racing, and I just knew I was about to pass out. Had it not been for my wife and whatever strength I was able to muster to stay upright, I am not quite sure what would have happened. The whole episode lasted about 10 minutes, but it kept me on edge for several days.

 

I immediately stopped taking the histamine blocker and vowed to avoid the offending restaurant for the foreseeable future.

 

It was somewhat ironic that I had this experience in the days after I had begun reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, particularly after I had read a sentence about facing your own mortality.

 

After putting the final touches on my last blog post, I was left asking myself if I had really become the sad person that I seemed to be when I was typing the last few words. After the allergic reaction on New Year’s Eve, I had to ask myself if I was making matters worse and possibly overlooking what the real issue was. I had been in the apartment that I share with my partner almost 24 hours per day since the week before Christmas and my body had shown little - if any - improvement. In fact, in some ways it appeared to be getting worse. I started to believe that whatever was causing the inflammation in my body was something that I was consuming or exposed to every day, but I still could not identify the offending food.

 

I began noticing changes with my nails, skin, and hair that made me wonder if I needed to take a break from many of the things that I had relied on for so long to prevent looking like what I was going through. There was a part of me that wondered if these changes were happening because I was being forced to stop trying to resist the pain. Another part of me revisited a thought that I had earlier in 2024: Could the issue be environmental? 

 

In July 2024, the holistic practitioner that I had been working with mentioned that some of my health challenges appeared to be caused by mold toxicity. I knew that I had been exposed to mold years ago in my work environment. In 2024 we found mold and water damage in our guest bedroom. To my knowledge, both issues had been treated, so I assumed mold should no longer be affecting me. 

 

Since I had already drastically changed my diet and did not appear to be eating anything that should cause the level of pain that I was having, I decided to complete an online health screen. The screening concluded that many of my symptoms could - in fact - be connected to my environment. The results also stated that my environment has strong indicators of mold and bacteria contamination associated with the visible mold growth from a few months ago. The results cautioned that additional adverse health effects could occur if I continued to be exposed to the same environment. The results also indicated that medical professionals have linked ailments like inflammation to toxic pathogens found growing within water damaged structures.

 

The next step was to complete a DIY mold test and - following those results - to follow-up with my landlord for the third or fourth time about the mold concerns in our unit. Though they had resealed areas around the foundation of our unit and treated the visible mold, we knew there had been water damage at some point before they realized what the problem was, so the information in my results seemed plausible.

 

I was concerned about what pushback we would receive from our landlord, as well as how costly it could be to pay for mold removal ourselves or to relocate if our landlord proved to be uncompromising. Due to the costs associated with my medical bills, I had limited available funds to cover the costs of breaking our lease or paying the fees associated with moving into any of the nearby complexes. I also had no interest in packing and unpacking.

 

I had so many thoughts and so many concerns, but I recognized that there was only so much that I could do. With the help of a local mold company, ChatGPT, Google, and TikTok, I was able to devise a general framework for how to improve things like humidity and air quality in our residence, while also devising a plan for ridding my body of many of the toxins that may be contributing to the health challenges that I was experiencing.

 

The framework included a dehumidifier, an air purifier, mold testing, humidity gauges, and a variety of supplements (i.e., activated charcoal, castor oil, probiotics).

 

While exploring the options I was given, I continued to see references to CIRS (Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome). From what I gathered, CIRS symptoms included: chronic fatigue, bladder issues, pins and needles sensations, and pain. The pins and needles in my feet and legs developed before I moved into the apartment with my wife, but I had been living in an older home and I do not know whether or not mold was present there.

 

Additional information about CIRS is available at the links below:

 

• Jellison Integrative MD: https://jjimd.com/symptoms-of-cirs-chronic-inflammatory-response-syndrome/#:~:text=CIRS%20stands%20for%20Chronic%20Inflammatory,you%20can%20run%20into%20CIRS:

• Aspen Integrative Medical Center: https://www.aspenmedcenter.com/what-is-chronic-inflammatory-response-syndrome/ 

 

As you know from prior posts, when I am overwhelmed or discouraged, I take a journey through my screen shots and saved messages. In the week leading up to and following the allergic reaction experience, I found various notes and the following quotes saved to my photos: 

 

• “But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” (Scripture: Micah 7:7)

• “I knew God loved me when He covered me in a season I wasn't even speaking to Him.” (Reference: https://www.facebook.com/share/5LZQFUmXS1Zrx1BZ/?mibextid=WC7FNe) 

• “While some days may seem more difficult to navigate with a smile, it is essential to persevere and find joy in life, as God intended. Although things may not always happen as hoped, and reality may fall short of our idealized visions, I remain committed to standing on the unwavering truth of God's word. This unshakeable faith is the foundation of my optimism, and it motivates me to keep smiling. I encourage you to do the same and find delight in your journey.” –Reverend André Lowery

• “God, I trust you and I still believe.” –Dr. Shinika McKiever

• “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Scripture: Isaiah 43:18-19)

• “God heard you. Just be patient.”

• “Then he touched their eyes and said, “According to your faith let it be done to you.”” (Scripture: Matthew 9:29)

• “Never mistake God’s patience for his absence.” (Reference: @deardelta1913)

 

Just like in November, I continued to see Isaiah 60:22 in unexpected places. While I was actively trying to trust God’s timing and be patient, I was also very hesitant to normalize my current circumstances. I did not want to believe that the rest of my life would be like this or to communicate to my spiritual cheering squad that I was willing to live the rest of my life like this.

 

I was reminded of Sarah Jakes Roberts’ statements in Power Moves about complaints not being the solution. My thoughts went to the song “I Won’t Complain.” For the first time in my life, I remember considering the lyrics of the song and thinking that my bad days seem to outweigh my good days as it pertains to my body. There were still moments of hopefulness when I could see the progress that my body was making - such as being able to walk more than 5,000 steps at a Winter Wonderlights event. Granted, I was in quite a bit of pain the days following, but I made it through the displays without having to sit down. I was pleasantly surprised and rather proud of myself.

 

As I have mentioned before, I am worried about what normalizing these health challenges communicates to my spiritual cheering squad. I was genuinely worried that normalizing them or becoming numb to them would be perceived as me being okay with how things were going.

 

In January 2025 my thoughts shifted and I found myself asking if my emotional numbness was less about acceptance and more about surrender. Maybe some of my acceptance of the situation was not what I should be worried about. Maybe it was indicative of surrender. Maybe I was not giving up fighting, but recognizing where this particular style of fighting/resistance was not helpful. Perhaps not planning and fighting what was happening was not indicative of acceptance, but was a demonstration of my recognition of what I could and could not control.

 

“Peace comes when you realize everything that's out of your control, should be out of your mind too.” 

–Wisdom Words

 

Oddly enough, while working on a social media post, I began researching the meaning of the number 2025 and learned that it is a message to maintain faith and trust and to stay balanced within as we go through life changes. The fact that both faith and trust were mentioned stuck out to me, making me wonder if the last four years were intended to teach me much of what I would need or put into practice in 2025. That made me both hopeful and nervous.

 

Earlier I mentioned The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. I started reading this book after finishing Power Moves. It was another recommendation from my therapist. The book taught me a lot about priorities, values, and personal metrics. I realized that too many of my metrics were external or involved people other than me. I also realized that nothing was wrong with me simply because I could not force myself to be positive. The book gave me some perspective and furthered my work on my priorities and perceived obligations. 

 

Some of the more uncomfortable yet insightful points in the book were:

 

• “Ironically, this fixation on the positive - on what's better, what's superior - only serves to remind us over and over again of what we are not, of what we lack, of what we should have been but failed to be. After all, no truly happy person feels the need to stand in front of a mirror and recite that she's happy. She just is.”

• “Because when we believe that it's not okay for things to suck sometimes, then we unconsciously start blaming ourselves. We start to feel as though something is inherently wrong with us, which drives us to all sorts of overcompensation…”

 

The author also spoke about learning to “[move] lightly despite your heavy burdens [and rest] easier with your greatest fears.” He offered perspective by saying, “We suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically useful. It is nature's preferred agent for inspiring change.”

 

Some of the points that he made that seemed to speak to me directly regarding my health were about feeling betrayed by our bodies, going through a rebirth because of our not-so-good experiences, choosing our problems, recognizing when we are allowing something to harm our ability to function, and choosing how to live with a condition. 

 

Regarding the last point, Manson discusses a study participant - Jack - who summed up what he learned during a medical study by saying, “I didn't choose this life; I didn't choose this horrible, horrible condition. But I get to choose how to live with it; I have to choose how to live with it."

 

Something else that stuck out to me in the first half of the book was Manson’s assertion that “certainty is the enemy of growth.” In prior posts I have written quite a bit about my uncertainty and my discomfort with said uncertainty. Mark Manson knocked this train of thought off the tracks when he said, “…the more you try to be certain about something, the more uncertain and insecure you will feel. But the converse is true as well: the more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don't know.”

 

I began to process how being uncertain may not be as much of an issue as I thought it was. For a long time I thought that planning, researching, and taking action would help me to find certainty. That is how it worked for most other things in my life. These health changes were different though. My standard roadmap was not working. I was desperately trying to find certainty that I would be alright, that I would recover. I wanted certainty that these challenges would be short-lived in the grand scheme of things and that I would make a full recovery. I did not consistently receive confirmation that that would be the case. While I initially thought that maybe I just needed to try harder or try differently, I was slowly starting to realize that there was no certainty in any of this and that I would have to figure out how to make peace with that.

 

I was also reminded of Sarah Jakes Roberts saying that we should be postured in peace, that we cannot find what we need in desperation. I can see why. Desperation is shaky turf. It is extremely difficult to build a “sure” foundation on shaky turf.

 

Mark Manson also laid out a series of questions that we should ask ourselves, which included: What if I am wrong? What would it mean if I were wrong? Is it me versus the world or me versus myself?

 

Those questions were… hard. I had already accepted that this battle seemed to be me versus myself, so that part was not as difficult to sort through. I could not process the first question without crying. Thinking “What if I am wrong and I cannot recover? That would mean that this (whatever this is) will be what ends my life.” was like a punch to the stomach. The follow up punch was realizing how much of my life it has already taken from me. These were the exact series of thoughts that I had been avoiding in the name of being hopeful and pushing through. 

 

Manson also dove into the idea of flawed certainties, noting that Aristotle wrote, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."” That made me wonder if my responses to the questions were just… flawed certainties.

 

The more I read, the more my thoughts were brought back to something I had hinted at in prior posts: Is this journey actually about authenticity? Is my health driving me to be more authentic? 

 

Not only did I want (or need) to answer those questions, I also needed to further evaluate my priorities, my values, and my personal metrics. My priorities and values had become easier to identify based on what I was and was not willing to give my limited energy to. In that way, my health has done most of the heavy lifting for me. My personal metrics were different though. I realized that a lot of my metrics were about the impact of my efforts on the people around me. After re-reading some of Mark Manson’s points about our metrics, I began to understand how my metrics had to be about me, that having primarily external metrics could prove problematic because I could not control other people nor the effect my work had on them.

 

“When we take the time to look within and understand our true selves, we lay the foundation for authentic living. This process involves peeling back the layers of our personality and beliefs, allowing us to reconnect with our core essence. By doing so, we can reveal passions, values, and talents that may have been overlooked or forgotten. When we learn who we are, we understand our strengths and areas for improvement, and our choices and actions become more aligned. This alignment creates a harmonious flow in our daily lives, increasing our overall happiness and well-being. It allows us to find joy and satisfaction in simple moments, true connections, and a deeper sense of purpose. We start to recognize our unique gifts and how they can contribute to the world around us. The journey to uncover who we truly are is a never-ending one — from the day we are born and our first cry to our very last breath. With this mindset of continuous learning, we remain curious and open to the wonderment of life, and our reason for being here on Earth.” 

–DailyOM

 

Throughout 2024 I focused on being more intentional with what I was doing, how I was doing it, and why I was doing it. Partly because of my limited energy and ever fluctuating pain levels. For me, intentionality goes hand-in-hand with authenticity and with freedom or autonomy, something I had found myself craving since childhood. What I consider freedom has changed with time. In many ways I was living the freedom that I had longed for as a child. Yet, I still did not feel free. I wanted to. I felt like it was in reach, like I was closer than I had been in the past, but - too often - I seemed to have the right door, but the wrong key.

 

Sometimes I thought that what I needed to be free from was the rigidity that has become part of my personality. I know that the rigidity came in response to various traumatic experiences where I felt I lacked control. I also realized that I had been working so hard to avoid having things happen again that I had never sat with the pain of the experience. I know that this is not abnormal. While attending a trauma-focused training, I learned that our brains are designed to want us to remember the things that caused us harm in an effort to prevent those things from happening again. It leads our brain to being in a constant state of threat (read: survival). The facilitator mentioned that our brain remembers four negative events for every one positive event.

​

I have heard people say that you cannot move into thriving without first dealing with what has stuck you in surviving. To me, this meant that I could not truly move forward while remaining on guard or trying to be overly prepared to prevent the things that happened to me in the past from happening again. Part of survival for me has meant not speaking on the ways in which I was harmed or who inflicted said harm. 20+ years later and I was still functioning in the same way. There were ways that I was treated, particularly by those in my family or those that I was supposed to be in community with, that were harmful. I had become better at protecting myself, but rarely acted like I had been harmed or acknowledged that I needed time to heal or recover emotionally. I rarely stopped to feel the pain.

 

“You only heal the pain you feel.” 

–Scar Poetry

 

“Stop acting like nobody cut you, that it didn’t cut you deep, and you needed to be repaired. You’re walking around like everything is alright and it’s not.” 

–Tabitha Brown

 

Thinking through those who were causing me current harm, I could not deny that I was on the list as well.

 

“I have given very little intentional love and care to my body. It's merely been the vehicle I use to carry my brain around. And while I've certainly overused and fueled my mind like it's just a tool instead of the central processing unit of my being, (and that's also not ok) my body I have outright neglected. Some folks do the opposite. They adorn, sculpt, decorate and love on their body and their mind is left to rot. Candidly, I want both my body and brain operational and strong. More importantly - as I examined my work and industry amid what is pretty certainly a collapse - I realized how being disconnected from our bodies makes it impossible to be allies or build supportive communities or fight for liberation. We are too exhausted and surviving off the adrenaline that comes from anxiety instead of from joy. We have so little joy. We are critical. Cynical. I too was all those things. And I'm supposed to be the teacher.

​

So l started looking for creative ways to strengthen the mind-body connection for myself, which is really what mindfulness is about though we think of it as only meditative practices. Not the point. The point is, on my journey to being more mindful, I found legos. Legos, for me, lets my brain do a little work alongside my hands doing the building and there are all the sensory yummy things we need to be whole humans.”

–Amber Cabral

 

I am not someone who typically enjoys things like Legos, so Amber’s solution may not work for me, but I wholeheartedly understood where she was coming from regarding how she viewed and treated her body. Though my health has made me rest more and to value rest differently, I cannot say that I had consistently treated my body much differently than I had before having gastric bypass. I had gotten better at listening to my body, but I had also stopped being as restrictive with myself. I tried eating things that I enjoyed which had triggered issues in the past, then taking the necessary steps to prepare for how my body may respond. In years past, I would have considered this being more reactionary than proactive. That had shifted for me though. On the advice of Mark Manson, I had started reserving my fucks for bigger things. 

 

I was not purposefully trying to trigger my body, but I was also tired of running myself ragged and refusing the things I enjoyed in an effort to avoid whatever reactions might happen. I could not control the reactions, I could not put all of my energy into the reactions. I did not have to be careless, but I also did not have to live in fear.

 

Surprisingly, there had been fewer reactions since New Year’s Eve. The inflammation in my hip was sporadic and the numbness/tingling in my feet and lower legs remained consistent. The mixed signals made it difficult to determine whether my body was healing, if some of the supplements were proving beneficial, or if my spiritual cheering squad had decided that I had been through enough for a while. 

After finishing The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck, I found myself less focused on trying to answer the difficult questions about my faith, about my need for certainty and more focused on action (or inaction) that would embody letting go.

 

 

As soon as I stopped worrying, worrying how the story ends.

When I let go and I let God, let God have His way,

that's when things started happening,

when I stopped looking at back then,

when I let go and I let God, let God have His way…

​

Song: Let Go by PJ Morton

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Read Part Fifteen: Pray & Believe

Read Part Seventeen: Grateful

Find additional posts and resources here.